I would like to be a more patient mother and it turns out I’m not the only one! My readers have told me they want to be more patient too and a 1999 York University study commissioned by Today’s Parent found that patience was the top skill parents felt they needed and impatience was the number-one attitude they didn’t want to pass on to their children.Not only is being patient more pleasant for all involved, I also find that it is more effective. If I am impatient, my son tends to dig in his heels and be stubborn and my daughter gets whiny and clingy.
Good things come to those that wait
Parents are under so much pressure these days from relatives, friends and peers. It used to be that people maybe knew a few others with children their age, but now with the Internet and online forums some moms are interacting with hundreds of other moms whose babies were born in the same month.
Whether it is because they are competitive or just worried about their child’s development vis-à-vis others, parents push their children to do things or learn things before they are perhaps ready. I think that learning to be a patient parent begins with having realistic expectations about child development and also not feeling the need to push our children to reach milestones before they are ready. Just let them learn on their own, when they are ready and when they express an interest. Trust them and respect the fact that it is their body and their life. Nora Rock says it very well in her article Learning Patient Parenting (it takes her a while to get to the point though, so be patient!).
Embracing Mañana
I just returned from a vacation in Cuba, which got me thinking about the mañana attitude as it relates to parenting. Generally this term, which means “tomorrow” is reflective of a more laid back culture or lifestyle. In the United States and Canada we are always in a rush and always on a schedule. I know that certainly one of the impatience triggers for me is when I need to be somewhere or want to get something done. If we’re just going outside to the park, I don’t care how long my son takes to put his shoes on, but if we’re late for a scheduled activity I get impatient.
So I think that perhaps one solution to more patient parenting is to slow down, realize not everything needs to be done now and in a hurry, and just enjoy life rather than scheduling and rushing. Part of that is questioning your own motives in the moment. Why do you want your child to hurry up and finish? Is it because you are done and figure he’s had long enough to finish? Is it because you have something else to do and if so can that wait so that you can give your child the time he needs? Is it because you have promised to be somewhere? That brings me to the other part, which is questioning whether you have over committed yourself and your child. If you are constantly rushing from one place to the next (doctor’s appointment, haircut, playgroup, music lessons, swimming lessons, coffee date) have you taken on too much? Should you plan some more downtime into your schedule so that you have more time to be patient? More downtime gives you more time to be patient and also leaves more time for play and cuddles!
Great “in the moment” tips
The tips I gave above are things you can do to create an environment more conducive to patient parenting. However, there are also things you can do in the spur of the moment when you catch yourself about to be impatient. Zenhabits has a great post on how to become a patient parent that lists some of these tips. Some of the key ones include:
Counting to 10 and taking deep breaths
Pretend someone is watching and act accordingly
Take the time to teach your child and consider how what you are about to say will help your child (and don’t say it if it won’t help!)
Visualize what to do in difficult situations or ask yourself what your mom (or other patience role model in your life) would do
Bonus tip: just love. Instead of reacting with anger, teach yourself to react with love. Your child spills something or has a messy room or breaks your family heirloom? Yells at you or gets in trouble at school? React with love. It’s the best solution.
My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring.
I think this is a great mantra to remember when you are about to lose your patience. If you don’t know what to do and are about to throw your hands up in the air, try a hug. Worst case scenario, you create a connection instead of causing a rift. Best case scenario, that is what your child really needed and he starts cooperating after the hug because his needs have been met.
Annie blogs about the art and science of parenting at PhD in Parenting.
In early November, an ad by the maker’s of Motrin sparked outrage among moms who felt that the ad was insulting to babywearing moms. If you haven’t seen the video, you can view it here.
I’ll just say that I thought the ad was poorly done. Although I wasn’t as offended as some were, the ad made me less likely to ever want to buy Motrin. I won’t buy J&J products, but I never did anyway. Generics are cheaper, and just as effective.
I did wear both my babies, but quite honestly, it had nothing to do with bonding and everything to do with convenience. I also breastfed both and I spent so much time doing that, I figured I had the bonding covered. [Read more →]
We have developed several holiday practices over the years to try and teach our children the non commercial meanings of Christmas, Yule, and Chanukah. This year, with the economy being shaky and our recent cross country move draining our piggy banks dry, we are trying even harder to focus on family time and experiences instead of gifts. [Read more →]
When my wife and I had our first child, I remember thinking that I wished that we could have twins, so I could hold one sometimes (I have since withdrawn that wish…). I thought to myself that attachment parenting really meant attached-to-the-mama parenting.
It seemed to me that when our baby wasn’t nursing on mama, she was sleeping. I got to be a champion burper though, because I kept volunteering to do it so I could get more time holding her. Every time our daughter cried I would try to be the comforter, but when you have no milkies, it’s a lot tougher. [Read more →]
Before I was a parent, December was a time of calm. There were a few office Christmas parties, and a little bit of shopping, but there was nothing frantic about it. We’d drive around to find the best light displays, go see a Christmas movie or two in the theatre, and just relish in the season. On Christmas morning, my husband and I would leisurely open our gifts, then head over to his mother’s house.
Joy, love, and simplicity are certainly some of the most compelling reasons that our family has chosen to practice Attachment Parenting. AP principles, like keeping our baby close, responding to our children with sensitivity and respect, and engaging in night time parenting have made our lives infinitely sweeter, gentler, and less stressful. So, recently, when our family was asked to contend with an unexpected hardship we were grateful to already have the strong bonds, security, and trust that we have gained through our AP relationship.
We are a relatively healthy family who relies mainly on good nutrition and clean living to help us keep up with four children. On the whole, we are fortunate to enjoy good health and do not take it for granted. When my husband came down with a touch of the flu last month, we brewed some tea, made some soup and figured he’d be better in a few days. The rest of us went into immune-building mode: I nursed the baby more frequently, we included some immune-boosting foods and supplements into our regular diets and everyone got some extra sleep. By day three, my husband was worse, not better. And nobody else was feeling ill yet. Another three days passed with no improvement. And other than being more tired from having the other half of my parenting team incapacitated, I was not feeling ill. Nobody in our house had the flu—including my husband.
Watching a child suffer through an illness is a parents’ worst nightmare…our little ones can seem so helpless and vulnerable. However, seeing a 6′ 4” grown man who is too weak to get out of bed for a week is very distressing, too. Our big, strong, wood-chopping, snow-shoveling, chief wage earner, and carry-the-kids-to-bed Daddy had come to a screeching halt. This was beyond my soup, rest, and TLC skills. We had no choice. [Read more →]
I feel so lucky that I live in a place that is so open to nursing in public. I have never been asked to cover up, given funny looks, or asked to move to the bathroom to nurse my children. But I know so many mothers who are terrified of nursing in public because they have been questioned, given looks, and asked to move.
As much as those stories infuriate me, today I feel there is cause to celebrate…and to weigh in. Some of you probably already have accounts on Opposing Views because they seem to cover quite a few topics (spanking among them) that AP parents care about. Today they launched the debate: Should Women Breastfeed in Public?
The reason we should celebrate is because it’s not even a debate–no one stepped up to take the “No” position on this one. I choose to make this mean that we’re winning the battle against ignorance and I commend the three wonderful experts who spelled out all the many reasons to support nursing in public. But your votes still send a strong message to any dissenters (and as long as neanderthals people like Barbara Walters are around, there will always be dissenters on this topic), so go on, vote to support a baby’s right to eat in public.
While you’re there, you might also want to vote on these two:
President-Elect Obama has affirmed his commitment to tackling the health care crisis, and the United States Breastfeeding Committee (USBC) is ready to tell him one great way to do so: support breastfeeding!
Citing the numerous studies on the benefits of breastfeeding, USBC states:
Excess health care costs totaling more than $4 billion must be paid by the U.S. health care system each year to treat otitis media, gastroenteritis, and necrotizing enterocolitis–childhood diseases and conditions preventable or reduced by breastfeeding. When prevention of obesity, diabetes, and other chronic conditions is factored in, the potential economic benefits of breastfeeding are significantly greater.
They go on to urge the President-Elect to take the following steps during his administration: [Read more →]
When she was about 14 months old, my daughter decided to give up the bottle, thereby relieving me of the responsibility of pumping milk for her to drink while we were apart . . . and just in time, since my supply had dipped sufficiently in recent months that I was only pumping about half of what she drank in a day. She had been eating away at my freezer stash all summer, but when she decided she was done with the bottle, and she wasn’t interested in imbibing my milk from a cup either, I was left with a little over 100 ounces of frozen breastmilk and no baby to drink it. Until I found MilkShare. [Read more →]
